I gave him a ride home & we talked about me mostly (which was a little strange. It I tried to open up.)
Well I told him that I’m an extremely dependent person (not clingy, though). He was in shock. He litterally would not believe me.
He said I come off as very independent & self sufficient person, & I laughed at him.
I wasn’t trying to be rude or make fun of him, I just couldn’t believe he thought that.
I don’t try to come off like a pathetic little girl who needs human contact, but I figured that’d be easier to believe than to say I’m independent.
I’m not proud of it, just thought it was sort of common knowledge to anyone who talks to me..
I’m going to sit at home with chinese food & movies.
Oh, & I will be completely alone because my family is out of town & my sister is working until 2am.
5 goddamn miles & yet I hardly get to see you. You’d think after all of this time, everything would be easier, simple. No.
I feel like every time I see you it’s exactly as it was 4 years ago. You’re there, you’re with me, then it’s over. I get you for a few hours, that’s all. Maybe 3 hours at the most until someone else decides to poke their head in.
I can’t have you to myself for one day, not one fucking day. It makes everything so much worse when I have to leave. You walk me to my car & I get this horrible feeling that this is it. No more seeing you. It’s always a rush when I leave. I hurry to get my things & run out the door to be home before everyone’s asleep. I worry so much about squeezing every second out of my time with you that I lose track.
The second I start my car, that sinking feeling starts. It’s ridiculous that I even feel like this. You’d think I’d be past my “I need to see you every waking moment stage”, & well, I’m old enough to know that can’t, & won’t happen, & I’ve accepted that, but I can’t help but feel it when I’m leaving.
The past two or three times I was on the verge of tears. Your stupid face has burned itself into my head. That “I wish you didn’t have to leave. Just stay another hour. We can watch stupid SNL skits & talk about shitty music some more” face. But I’m too obedient & too afraid of losing my car if I don’t go. So I do. & I regret it the whole way home.
I remember everything I forgot to mention. The jokes I heard, the article I read, the dream I had. I think of the gaps of silence where I could’ve put those in.
& the whole way home I just keep thinking about that face. That, “I wish you could stay the night” face. The, “please come back tomorrow” face.
At least that what I hope for. I think I know you expressions well enough to know exactly what your thinking, but I can’t help bit second guess myself. Maybe I misread you tonight. Maybe your half smile was more relief than anything. That you’re uneasy because you don’t know how to tell me that your sick of me coming around & you’d want nothing more but for me to walk out of your house & never return. So by the time I climb into bed my head is filled with nonsense. That you’re leaving. You’re throwing me away for something better. You’re walking out just like every other decent person I ever had in my life has.
I know I’m just paranoid. I’m overly worried, & I’m too hard on myself when it comes to you. I just can’t help it. You’ve stuck around for entirely too long. You know my biggest fears, What hurts me, what makes me want to do the things i do. You’ve sunk yourself into the cracks in me & filled me with everything I’ve ever needed. That’s all I ever wanted in someone & you’ve given it to me. & it scares me, because the second you leave I’m done for.
If you go, all the crack will be empty again. I will have no one left to fix me. I will have nothing.
I’ve always told myself not to be dependent. I need to do things for myself & never rely on any one, because no one ever comes through. I was wrong. You have come through for me time & tine again & I’ve gotten so used to that, that I have become overly dependent on you, to the point that I need you each & every day, just to speak to me.
If you were to walk out now, who could I depend on? Not only do I want you, to see you, to talk to you, to be around you, I need it. You always tell me that I’m stronger than I give myself credit, maybe I am. But the only reason is because you’ve pushed me to be. You have given me every reason to be strong & do something worth living for. If you’re not there, I won’t have anything to push me anymore.
I’m pathetic, I know this. I’m a whiny, paranoid, rambling teenager with too much on my plate. I’m unsure of almost everything in my life & I can’t make decisions to save my soul. Nothing is stable, except for you. nothing makes sense, except for you. Even when I throw my fits & tell you I hate you, it’s never true. Or when I refuse to talk to you because of something dumb you said the night before, you know I’m going to come around. No matter how frustrated & upset I get with you I will always make sense of it, I will fix it, not only to make you happy but to keep you right where you are.
I hope it never gets to this point, but if this isn’t enough reason for you to stay, no matter how selfish it is, i don’t know what else i could do to keep you. If everything in this world would shut me out, I’d hope you’d be the only thing that didn’t.